Hot Sex without a Hard On

It seems like at least once every day I work at the shop, someone sheepishly asks me for a cream or a pill to help their dick get hard or stay that way longer. There’s a persistent myth out there that people equipped with penises are supposed to want sex early and often and be ever equipped with giant rock hard cocks that never falter or cum “too soon.” Well, we think that’s bullshit. Everyone can enjoy sex whether or not there is a cock involved and whether or not that cock is hard.

The medicalization of sexuality (think: erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation) makes us think about soft dicks as an individual medical problem that can be fixed with pills (which profit big pharmaceuticals) instead of as a larger problem with the way sex is socially constructed. That said, if your sexual performance has changed or you are having difficulty enjoying sex it can be a sign of larger problems. Sexual dysfunction can be a symptom of anxiety or an early indicator of health problems like heart disease, coronary disease, cholesterol, or diabetes. We have more information over at Early to Rise. And be sure to check in with your physician and advocate for yourself and your sexual health.

Flaccid penises don’t ruin sex, but freaking out about them sure can. Here are some ways to not get your panties in a twist out about a non-erection. How you can enjoy great sex without a hard-on…

Take this opportunity to enjoy all of the other amazing sensations you can feel and create for your partner(s). Dicks are really awesome, but they can often take attention away from other awesome bits. Wake up all of your body’s nerve endings by enjoying a full body massage or some sensation play. Explore your back door. Or lavish your full attention on giving your partner pleasure. For those who have a hard time with anxiety, taking the focus off of the phallus can actually help you achieve an erection; even if it doesn’t, you just had some hot sex without one. This tip also ties to the greater project of changing the way we define sex. The penis-in-vagina-til-ejaculation model of sex doesn’t serve anyone. How can you begin to define sex in a way that makes you feel good about yourself and your partner(s) and all the pleasure and intimacy you can share?

Explore the wonderful things you can do with a soft dick. You can enjoy a whole lot of great sensations from blowjobs, handjobs, and even penetration without having an erection. Cory Silverberg has a great article with tips on fun and pleasurable soft penis play.

Try a cock ring. Cock rings are great for folks who want to make their erection feel harder, last longer, and delay ejaculation. Cock rings can be made out of rubber, silicone, leather, or even metal and they fit snuggly around the base of the cock and behind the testicles and scrotum. They work by slowing blood flow from returning from the penis to the rest of the body. Its best to begin with a very stretchy or adjustable ring. The Ring O, Silicone Ring, and Cock Lasso are all great places to start. Cock rings can also have the added benefit of adding extra stimulation for your partner. Toys like the Sili Ring are packed with little nubbies that feel great against a clitoris with a little bit of lube. For even more fun you can add a vibrator like on this sexy leather ring. We also have an awesome video about cock rings for you to watch for even more info.

Strap one on. Dildo harnesses aren’t just for folks without bio cocks! Strapping on is a great and versatile option for anyone who wants to penetrate their partner when they don’t have an erection, are between erections, want to have a cock that is a different shape or size, or want to try double penetration. The possibilities here are pretty endless. You can use any dildo with a flared base. Some harnesses do work better than others if you’ve got more anatomy in the way. The SpareParts Deuce harness has two rings: one for your flesh and blood cock and a second for a silicone one. A thigh harness, which fastens a dildo to your thigh instead of your pelvis, work really well for this. You can also wear a more traditional harness just above your package. The Commando Harness is perfect for this.

Or Ride On! The Ride On is a high quality, comfortable, 100% silicone prosthetic penis attachment. It fits over your bio cock and stays their securely through suction, friction, and a strap behind your balls, allowing you to thrust with it naturally. Cool right? It can also work well as a penis extender. It even comes in three colors for a more natural look.

I hope those tips are helpful. As always, feel free to call or email or just stop on by with any questions. I’ll just leave you with a quote from this fabulous article from Lawrence Lanoff…

I noticed as I became less erection focused, there was a vulnerability that opened up in my body-feeling world. Something shifted into a lot more openness. For me, this was more of a receptive, subtle sex-energy experience. In this sense, I had the feeling of openness, relaxation, freedom from performance tension. I could breathe with my lover and experience a flow of powerful sexual energy.”