This was the question I got today from a man who called the shop (although he used “girl” instead of woman, so I am taking that slight liberty) and he seemed to expect a simple and succinct answer, but sadly that was not what I gave him.
And based on the questions he asked, I was reminded once again, that so many people in our culture know so little about how women’s bodies work because NO ONE EVER TELLS THEM!
So to sum up the points we touched on and to clear up some things that I know at least one person in the world was confused about, here are some points I hope everyone will know someday:
• TRUE: Vaginas get wet when a women is turned on. Except for when that isn’t true. Women can be turned on and not get super wet, women can get wet and not be super turned on. So while the conventional wisdom is that wetness = sexually aroused, that equation is not 100% accurate all the time. But wetness is not considered a sign that a woman has had an orgasm.
• FALSE: There is one way to “give” a women an orgasm. Every single woman on the planet is different and responds to sexual stimulation in her own way. There is not a guaranteed toy, trick, gel, drink, herb, patch or technique that will work for each women. It is TRUE that a majority of women like/need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, but the actual type of stimulation varies and is not necessary for every woman.
• TRUE: Yes, female ejaculation is real and women can ejaculate when having an orgasm, but LOTS of women have fantastic orgasms without ejaculating.
• FALSE: There is ONE way to know a woman has had an orgasm. The only real way to know is to have you partner tell you that she has. Some women make a loud guttural noises. Some women are quiet and silent when they come. Some squeak. Some laugh. Some cry. Some yell. Some just smile. And yes, some even lie about it. But you will never truly know if your partner has had an orgasm unless she tells you. And she might not do that unless you ask her. I suggest not jumping in right after you come and saying “did you come huh huh did you have an orgasm?”, but maybe asking her gently something to the effect “Was that nice? Do you want a little more attention anywhere? Can keep pleasuring you?” or ask her when you are not in the sack “Soooooo.. I was just wondering cause I can’t really tell from your body language, but do you have orgasms when have sex/fuck/make love?”. I know that can be an awkward question, but if you really can’t tell if she is having an orgasm, it actually a really nice thing to do. And if her answer is “no, I don’t, then a great follow up question is “oh, sorry.. what can I do to help that happen for you?”.
So to sum it up.. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT SEX. Be generous as a lover and communicate your desires, your questions and your needs. And women – tell your partners what is going with your body. It is HOT and people like knowing you are feeling good when they touch/stroke/tickle/fondle you RIGHT THERE.
Wanna get more info on the amazing and complicated world of women’s bodies and sexual response? Below are some great resources. And keep those questions coming!
Scarleteen. Yes, it is for youth, but there is so much great, honest sex info here, it is a valuable resource for ANYONE.
I Heart Female Orgasm. This book is the BIBLE on the subject. Everyone should read this.
Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasm . If you are more visually inclined, this video has lots of great info and naked people.
Women’s Anatomy of Sexual Arousal. Another great book that really details the workings of woman’s bodies and sexual response.
Also – if you are not sure that you have had an orgasm, this article on sexuality.about.com may help you figure it out.
( and just for fun… you can take out Facebook poll here and tell us how you let your partner know you’ve come)