We’ve all been told to be selfless in the sack. We imagine that the best partner is someone who focuses completely on the others needs. I talk to so many people who feel compelled to do things that they don’t find pleasurable because they want to please their lover. Some of this can be healthy if it is a balanced give and take (I’ll go down on you if we can do it in a 69, for example), but wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loooves it?
A new study suggests that those who have sex for their own pleasure have more sexually satisfied partners. Apparently this is counter-intuitive to some people, but I bet everyone knows how hot it is to be with someone who is totally turned on.
What most people tend to forget is that in order to have good sex you need to be enthusiastic about it, Britton said. While no one wants a lover who is totally focused on him or herself to the point of excluding his or her partner, a person who likes having sex for the simple fact that it feels good is probably going to be really into the experience, and that excitement can rub off, she said.
This research enforces the idea that individuals should be responsible for their own pleasure. Its the same reason its so important for women to be able to get themselves off. Feeling responsible for someone elses orgasm puts unnecessary pressure on a relationship.
So how do we gain a healthy amount of selfishness after a lifetime of being told its wrong? Patti Britton reccomends what she calls the “FOPS” technique, which stands for Focus On Pleasurable Sensations. Its just a fancy acronym for staying present.