Out, damned spot!

My goodness. We’re running out of letters for all the different spots one can find to poke at in our bodies. There’s the G-spot, probably the most popular of all the spots, which is located on the front wall of the vagina, about an inch to two inches inside, and which has the wrinkly texture of the roof of your mouth. Then there’s the A-spot, which is supposedly nestled between your cervix and your bladder (owie. no thanks.), the U-spot, which refers to the erectile tissue surrounding your urethra, the X-spot, which already has a name, thanks, and is called “the cervix,” and some other spots, which are as yet unalphabetized but which lie in the no-man’s land between vag and anus. Oh, and let’s not forget the P-spot, for men, which is just clever shorthand for the prostate.

How can we ever keep track of all these buttons we’re supposed to press? This isn’t Whack-a-Mole, for crying out loud. And what will we do when all these spots become commonplace and we need a NEW new spot to spelunk for? Frankly folks, we’re running out of uncharted vagina.

And do you know why that is? It’s because most likely all of these spots are the SAME spot, or rather organ: the clitoris. The clitoris is so much bigger and more magnificent than just the little protruding nub you can see on the surface.  (I talk about this exhaustively here.) It extends up, around, and inside the vagina, surrounds the urethra, and when all is said and done, is probably bigger in volume than the average penis. But this is good news, all you Spot enthusiasts, not bad news! What this means is that you don’t need to hit just the “right” spot, as EVERYwhere is the right spot. Keeping in mind two simple rules of anatomy:

1. Most of the nerve endings in the vagina are in the first couple of inches, and so for many women, the greatest intensity of feeling is in that area.

2. There are, certainly, areas where some women have more intensity of feeling — the G-spot, for example, is probably an area of overlapping or more densely packed erectile tissue. But do keep in mind that all your parts are connected. Just poking at the G-spot is not likely to get you off. Getting aroused first and then playing with your G-spot in addition to your clitoris, vulva and vagina is more likely to be a pleasurable experience. Many women find that they can’t even “find” their G-spot (look at me, talking about spots again. Damn spots! I wish I could quit you!) when they aren’t aroused. That’s because, say it with me, “it’s all connected.”

So here’s my unwarranted analysis of the Spot craze. Sexual prowess is pitched to us as something we’re just supposed to have inherently. We’re supposed to intuit what everyone wants us to do to them sexually, without ever having touched or talked to them about it. Boy, you know what would make this messy, embarrassing, difficult process easier? If there was a magic button that was guaranteed to make us come.

I wish I could say I wish that was true, but I don’t. Because to me, the figuring out is so much more fun than if I always knew exactly what to do because there was a dang doorbell I could poke. Because really, there are worse things to have to practice than fucking, am I right?