Thanks, Science. Those of us working on the ground have been trying to hammer this into people (so to speak) for at least a decade now. In a new study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, it turns out that the real indicators of a smoking hot sex life are “emotional connection between partners, communication and focus.”
I can hear you all groan. That’s so much more boring than Cosmo‘s Sex Secrets that Will Make His Brain Explode, right? But it’s true. If you don’t have an intimate connection with your partner (this doesn’t necessarily mean long-term intimacy, however, just a willingness to be open), if you can’t sense, based on this knowledge, what they need and enjoy, and if you’re always concerned about your technique or your looks or their impressions of you… even the most elaborate tongue-flickery and body-wiggling is going to fall flat.
Of course, some folks will take this assertion too far in the other direction, saying that sex is not really “about the physical,” which is just as ridiculous as some of those Bag O’ Tricks magazine articles… you can’t, after all, have sex without a body… but the heart of the issue is that we need to recognize that “great sex” needn’t entail an exhausting progression of sexy acrobatics, and indeed this vaunted “great sex” will vary considerably from partner to partner.
Also, something I didn’t know is that many people tend not to renew Viagra prescriptions (Is that true? Anyone?) perhaps because, “the drug gives them a physical erection ‘but that doesn’t necessarily mean their sexual communication and relationship with their partner is going to change.'” Interesting.
Some people will probably take away from this that the only good sex is monogamous, long-term partner sex. But I think that misses the most important point — that intimacy and communication are far more important than technique — which can happen between willing partners of any persuasion. Or even solo! When was the last time you really took the time to pay attention to what your own body wanted from you?