It’s funny. As much as Americans are obsessed with sex and sexuality, we are rarely given good advice (or any advice!) on how to explore our own sexual pleasure. Women in particular are implicitly told to let their male partners “give” them orgasms, leaving many women frustrated when this just doesn’t happen. It’s nobody’s fault, really, because how can anyone know how to please someone else if that person doesn’t know how to please herself?
We hear from a lot of women who think they are emotionally or physically abnormal because they haven’t had an orgasm at 20, 30, 60, 70 years of age. Sheer numbers alone should tell you that this is normal! We tell women: Don’t think of it as an inability. Think of this as your “pre-orgasmic” stage!
Here are some tips to help you on your journey!
Get out the map! It’s hard to know what you’re working toward if you’ve never had an orgasm, but it’s even harder if you don’t know what tools you’re working with! Don’t be afraid to whip out a little handheld mirror and really examine your parts. Is your clit exposed or hidden? What color are your labia? How do they feel when you stroke them? A lot of women say they don’t know whether or not they’ve experienced orgasm, and they very well may have but didn’t know what muscle contractions felt like! Once you’ve taken a good look at your pussy, experiment with your pelvic muscles by squeezing the muscles you would squeeze to stop the flow of pee. These are the main muscles that contract and release when you are experiencing orgasm. In fact, just practicing with contracting and releasing these muscles can strengthen them and intensify orgasm!
Relax. This is not a race. We are not only interested in the finish line. This is a journey to figure out all the delicious facets of your desire. This is about exploring yourself, what you want, what makes you swoon. So why rush? You wouldn’t want to miss out on anything, would you? The surest way to scare away an orgasm is by pressuring it. So begin by taking time out for yourself. Pamper yourself with whatever relaxes you–a long shower, your favorite meal, fuzzy slippers–there is no wrong way to do this! Only once you’re good and relaxed should you even start moving downtown. Make yourself and your pleasure your first priority.
Support the arts! The erotic arts, that is! Get yourself hot and bothered by experimenting with explicit movies (many are catered towards women’s desires), steamy written erotica, or your own fantasies. Explore your mind for what turns you on–the brain, after all, is our biggest and most receptive sex organ!
Push your buttons… all of them. Now it’s time to explore. But you don’t need to dive right for your pussy! Play with your nipples, stroke your hips, inner thighs, rock back and forth against your whole hand. Finally, touch your clitoris. Do you like direct pressure or rubbing? Or do you prefer to rub it indirectly through the hood? Side to side? Around and around? Fast or slow? Try circling a finger around the opening to your vagina. Push it inside. Feel for your G-spot. There are endless possibilities. Experiment, and find what works for you. And then keep experimenting! What you prefer one day might differ from what you prefer another!
Play with your toys! Vibrators are a great way to begin exploring your sexual desires, and for women who find they prefer more intense clitoral stimulation, they can be a welcome addition to your sexual family!
She’ll be comin’ ’round the mountain when she comes… When, after much exploration, experimentation, and fun, you feel the pressure start to mount and the sensations intensify, congratulations! You’re about to have an orgasm! But don’t forget to relax… you need to give your orgasm breathing room. So don’t forget to breathe! Concentrate on your breath, on the delightful sensations… make whatever silly or weird noises and movements feel natural to you–orgasms are all about letting go of yourself and your judgment!
Be a tease! To intensify and lengthen your orgasms, don’t be afraid to tease yourself! As you approach orgasm, back off from stimulating yourself until you feel the sensations recede a little. Then dive in again! Do this as often as you wish… it will help you figure out where your threshold is and even how to control when and how strongly you orgasm!
Practice makes awesome. There is no such thing as a “perfect” or “right” orgasm. Orgasms can feel like a delightful little ripple or a roaring wave. There can be one or many. And it can change from day to day! But the only way to figure out how you work is to practice practice practice! Masturbation feels good and is good for your health, even if you don’t orgasm! It can help build confidence in and out of the bedroom, and is the best way to exponentially improve your partnered sex life. So what are you waiting for? Hop on the pleasure train!